I mustn't make a fuss!
Recently marissa wrote about the restrict-binge-purge cycle and the common fears that come up for people as they work to break out of this trap. One of the challenges she reflected on, was the fact that restricting, bingeing and purging usually serve a function - they have been a mechanism for managing difficult feelings. Naturally, as people work on breaking out of this cycle, they can worry, ‘how will I manage if my go-to strategy is no longer available?!’.
Even if you don’t obviously identify with restricting, bingeing and purging, many of us still have ‘rules’ around emotions. For example, ‘I shouldn’t make a fuss’ or ‘Only if my house is perfectly tidy can I feel calm’. We might also experience concerns if we consider moving away from a rule-based approach to managing our feelings, and as such, I thought the topic warranted some further thought: What are some of the rules underpinning the management of feelings? And how can we move forward from this position?
Where did these rules come from?
I have written another article about the development of rules which might be a helpful read. In short, however, rules are learnt over the course of a lifetime. We might have learnt from the environment around us (including family, friends, school etc) or we might have learnt from the situations we grew up in (for example critical or accepting, manageable or overwhelming). And this is never more relevant than when it comes to learning rules around emotions.
Anyone with small children in their lives can vouch for the fact that babies aren’t able to manage their own feelings. They are totally dependent on the world around them to help soothe their distress. Gradually, throughout childhood and adolescence, we learn the skills to regulate our own emotions, internalising the treatment we have received and the messages we have picked up about what is expected when it comes to feelings. Some examples of unhelpful, but very common, messages might be:
- Gendered expectations such as ‘good girls don’t make a fuss’, or ‘big boys don’t cry’
- Family mottos, such as ‘feelings are best not talked about’, ‘other people’s feelings are paramount’
- Relationships in which your feelings have been criticised or invalidated, for example ‘you’re being too sensitive!’ or ‘there’s nothing to worry about!’
- Toxic positivity or social norms reinforced on social media, for example. ‘Good vibes only’ or ‘keep calm and carry on’
- Unmanageable or overwhelming situations in our lives, where we have little agency or control
As so often with restrictive beliefs and behaviours which we might conceptualise as an ‘unhelpful rule’, it is likely that they will have served you well at another time in your life. As above, if you were in a situation where it wasn’t safe to simply experience and express your emotions, you will have developed a workaround. For example, ‘my feelings are too much for others. Only if I keep them hidden will I be accepted’. But feelings aren’t easily hidden - they need to go somewhere! And behaviours such as bingeing, yo-yo dieting, cleaning and so on may have been one way of dealing with the emotions we couldn’t straightforwardly express.
How can I move forward?
Just as unhelpful rules are learnt over the course of our lifetime, moving forward involves learning new, more adaptive beliefs and behaviours around emotions. More helpful beliefs about emotions might include the knowledge that:
- No one feels happy all the time! Being human is to experience a full spectrum of emotions. Even on a good day, it’s normal to move through a range of emotional states. For example, moment by moment we might cycle through feeling excited, nervous, delighted, irritated, content, bored, surprised, embarrassed, joyful, sad... and so it goes on!
- Feelings aren’t always ‘neat’ or contained. Sometimes feelings are messy, intense and preoccupying... and that’s ok. Experiencing a full spectrum of emotions means both different emotional states (e.g. happy or angry etc) and different intensity of emotion (e.g. content up to ecstatic; irritated up to raging).
- Feelings serve as an invaluable source of information, guiding us through important decisions, supporting our daily activities, and colouring all of life’s experience. We simply have to tune in to what we’re really feeling, in order to make use of this rich resource. Can we be curious about our feelings as they arise? Can we experience them without judgement?
Regulating not restricting
As above, it’s likely that contemplating change and moving away from a rule-based approach to managing feelings might bring up some anxiety. ‘What if I my feelings are unmanageable?!’, ‘What if the feeling never stops?!’. It’s true to say that, if you are working on these issues in therapy, you will be supported to develop an adaptive new approach to managing feelings - it’s not simply about stripping away the old, unhelpful way of being! And it’s also true to say that all of us need some skills for managing feelings - no one wants to feel powerless and totally at the mercy of their emotions. Indeed, there are situations in which some degree of emotional control are really valuable. For example keeping anxiety at a manageable level as you go into an exam. It might be helpful to think about moving away from emotional restriction, towards emotional regulation.
At Breaking the Rules we support our clients to accept their emotions, just as they are, and develop a toolkit of emotional regulation skills to draw upon when needed. If you’d like some initial ideas about managing difficult feelings, we have created a free, downloadable resource you can access here.