Everyone else is doing it...!!
Recently I had the pleasure of delivering a couple of workshops at Festival of the Girl, a brilliant event to engage and inspire young girls, and support adults to raise girls in less stereotyped ways. Introducing the concept of ‘rules’ to a group of young people and their parents felt a hopeful endeavour. More specifically, getting them thinking about which rules are helpful, which are unhelpful and how to go about challenging these latter. Wouldn’t it be brilliant if we could call out ‘unhelpful rules’ from an early age, remain tuned into our bodies and develop an unshakeable trust in ourselves.
After the workshop a sparky child approached me with her mum. She’d obviously grasped the concept of rules and wanted to know if it could help her with something she was currently struggling with. She asked me, “What do you do when other families have one rule and your family does something different?” She went on to explain that she badly wanted to walk to school by herself like her friends and to be allowed a games console.
Needless to say I could empathise with her plight. Indeed, I found myself strongly identifying with her situation. I can remember this very anguish from my own childhood - desperately wanting to be allowed something and not understanding why I couldn’t whilst others could. In fact, this is a conversation that has played out almost to the letter in my own household lately, as my own children clamour for greater autonomy and access to the latest gadgets. Moreover it is one we hear from adults too in our Breaking the Rules groups - ‘they don’t eat breakfast - why do I need to?!’ ‘they wear a smart watch - why shouldn’t I?!’
In response to the child, I encouraged her towards discussion with her mum. Maybe it would be helpful to understand more about why she wasn’t allowed those things, or the rationale for her parents’ decision. Maybe it would be helpful for her to hear her mum’s feelings (“you’re growing up too quickly!”) and for these to be explored transparently alongside the child’s feelings. Maybe it would feel better if she could identify a path towards greater autonomy with her parents, for example, what might be some stages towards walking to school independently be?
As is often the way, it was only later that I thought I could have said more. It struck me that this child’s question speaks directly to the problem with all rule based thinking. Given how unique we all our, how idiosyncratic our lives, our bodies and our needs, we will always find ourselves making different choices to others. It is impossible that one rule could apply to us all. Even within ourselves, our lives, our bodies and our needs are ever changing. A single rigidly-held rule cannot possibly serve us well over the course of a lifetime.
The desire to fit in with others is understandable, and particularly keenly felt during childhood and adolescence. Moreover as adults we are bombarded with messages that if we just ‘follow these 5 simple steps’ or ‘do exactly what Wellness Guru X says’ our lives will be immeasurably better. Yet in our Breaking the Rules groups we talk a lot about ‘checking in’ with yourself - regularly identifying how you feel and what you need in this particular moment. If we truly subscribe to the idea that we are all wonderfully unique, then what others are doing becomes largely irrelevant. Returning to one’s own experience and using this as a steady point of reference serves us much better in the long run.
Follow Festival of the Girl on Instagram for more details, events and inspiration.
