How do I know if it's a rule?!

One of the questions marissa and I are commonly asked when discussing our Breaking the Rules project, is “but how do I know if it’s a rule?!”. And we appreciate the question - it’s a very reasonable thing to ask given few of us identify our thinking in this way. Few of us consciously live our days thinking ‘I must stick to my rules!’. Indeed once we’ve learnt a piece of information, the brain accepts it as a given and tends to give it very little further thought. 

Amongst these givens, are commonly accepted, ‘healthy standards’, such as ‘I should brush my teeth regularly’. Usually these are held firmly but flexibly in mind, meaning we usually adhere to them, but it causes us no significant bother if we let them go once in a while. We have noticed that unhelpful rules commonly masquerade as sensible, healthy standards - appearing as ideas we should comply with unthinkingly. As I explored in my previous article, it’s likely we will have been taught as much growing up, and continue to hear as much in the media, the diet industry, our families... a myriad of influences.  

So how can we tell if something’s a rule? 

Language

A major give away when it comes to identifying unhelpful rules is the language it is framed in. Unhelpful rules are generally rigid and excessive in nature, and the language we use tends to reflect that unrelenting standard. For example: 

I must...

I should always... 

I can never...

The language we use might also give a hint as to where that rule-based thinking has come from. For example, we might find ourselves saying ‘Fitness influencer X says you should...’ or we might even hear the rule in our mind in a family member’s voice (e.g. ‘a moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips!’ chorused in your granny’s voice). Although it’s true to say that none of us are immune to external influences, and we are always learning from others, it’s the wholesale adoption of someone else’s standard that can be a point of concern. As unique, ever-changing individuals, it’s simply not possible for someone else to know exactly what you need in any given moment, nor set a rule which will meet those needs. 

Emotions

Another clue as to whether something is a rule, rather than just a ‘healthy standard’, are the emotions we experience if that rule is broken. Or sometimes, even when we just think that the rule might be broken. These situations tend to bring a cascade of strong, uncomfortable feelings, including anxiety, self-criticism, shame and guilt. 

These potent emotions clearly tell us that the idea we’ve been holding (e.g. ‘I should get to the gym every day’) isn’t just a piece of neutral health-related information. Rather, it holds much greater significance for us, often hidden in the tacit second part of the rule: ‘I should get to the gym every day... or else I’ll get fat, I’ll be lazy etc’.

Moral judgement

Unlike a piece of neutral health-related information or sensible life advice, unhelpful rules contain a moral judgement. They tend to make sweeping assumptions about our value as a whole person, or indeed, the sorts of people that hold value, for example: 

If I always please others, only then will I be likeable

If I do everything perfectly, then I will be good enough

Only if I am slim, will I be acceptable

Is it any wonder, then, that when unhelpful rules are broken they trigger such uncomfortable emotions? Or that we hold them so rigidly? 

I hope that, written in this way, the nature of an unhelpful rule starts to become clearer, and you can start to feel the different quality this sort of thinking holds. Let me finish with one more example. I suspect we’d all accept that, for most of us, eating a diet rich in fruit and vegetables is sensible, healthy advice. But held rigidly and with a moral judgement attached, even that can become an unhelpful rule. For example ‘If I always eat fresh fruit and veg with every meal, only then will I be healthy (and a worthwhile person)’. We might usefully question, every meal without fail? What if I’m travelling and don’t have access to anything fresh? What if I’ve had a stomach bug and want to go easy on fibre-rich foods temporarily? What if I simply fancy eating something else right now? And does it really say something about my value as a whole person if I don’t meet this arbitrary standard?